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uh oh [23 Mar 2008|05:17pm]
i am having new self destructive urges.

so i posted an ad on craigslist. i did it with the justification in my mind that i will only look at the responses and not do anything about them. and i still feel that way. but the fact that i put up this particular ad just scares the bejesus out of me. because of my financial situation and my current inability to pay my rent and putting my stuff up for sale on ebay... i put up an ad in the personals looking for a sugar daddy.

oh boy.

my new self destructive feelings and thoughts have a lot to do with sex.. of course because i finally opened myself up to sex. but in light of that... i need to keep straightedge because i am really afraid that i will feel like i need to drink in order to silence my currently screaming moral compass.


i still want to cut... i still want to lose weight but i dont plan to do that in a self destructive manner. i have recently been quicker to get piercings than to cut so i guess thats a step in the right direction.

lets just hope i dont take steps in these newly horrible directions....
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it is time. [26 Dec 2007|12:31am]
i live in texas now. i am home for christmas. this past year was hard.

me and tye have vowed to lose weight and train to be cheerleaders next year.

lose weight.

i can't say this anywhere else. jeremy says he likes skinny girls. i want to be skinny again. i will do it this time, though, because me and tye have vowed. we are both aiming to lose 20 pounds. i think maybe 25 or 30 would be better for me. ok, 25, really. that would put me at... 115. 25 pounds. 115. yeah. i will be skinny again. will, will, will, will, will be.


maybe i'll do it right this time? even though this is supposed to be my eating-disordered journal... i guess, at this point, since i know no one ever wants to hear about me wanting to lose weight... i'll still keep it a secret, for the most part, cept for tye because we're losing weight together.

so there.

25 pounds.

on another note. i was reading my friend sarah's journal today... she mentioned that she and our old group of girlfriends were going to have a movie night and sleepover. then on a side note she mentioned that i was home and that she wanted to see me too. i can't help but feel that a lot of things from this journal are why they aren't really friends with me anymore... and they can't even include me. it shows me that sarah was my only real friend in that group.... even though the last time i saw angie she told me not to be a stranger and seemed happy to see me. but jes hates me. she'll always hate me. she blames me for a lot. that i think is the main reason i can't be involved in that group... jes will always hate me and blame me. i am sure they've talked major shit about me. it makes me really sad that i dont have any sort of group of friends from high school... when i'd felt so close to a lot of people. but all in all, i can accept the blame that jes puts on me. i know i did the right thing, and then our friends followed suit. that is all.
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stupid. [23 Sep 2006|10:40pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

i caved. and binged. and then kept binging with the justification of, "well it doesn't matter now, i'm just going to throw it all up anyways."

so then i went to throw up.

and hardly any of it came up.

and it got to the point where my gag reflexes were getting... tolerant... of the whole process.

so basically i binged like at least 1500 calories... and probably only got up a couple hundred. wow. sucks.

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rotation diet. [16 Sep 2006|09:30pm]
[ mood | fat ]

so. when trish did the rotation diet she lost 12 pounds.

that would put me at 123.

starting tomorrow.

123 is a really inviting number.

i gotta just repeat it to myself. if i get through it i'll be 123. if i get through it i'll be 123. if i get through it i'll be 123. if i get through it i'll be 123.

123. 123. 123. 123. 123.

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fuck [09 Sep 2006|07:30pm]
but that whole last entry doesn't mean i dont still want to lose some weight.

yeah, i may look good to myself for the first time ever... but i kinda wanna look better.

thats fucked up.

but, fuck, i still wanna be under 120.
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change is on its way. [09 Sep 2006|07:09pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

i can't believe how sick i was.

its called body dysmorphic disorder.

i really dont know whats caused me to start to snap out of it. it could be the fact that my best friend is the most supportive person on earth for me right now, and his strength of character, confidence, and values are rubbing off on me. it could be the fact that he has these traits, along with the fact that i have such 100% trust in what he says, that he's helped me snap out of my delusion.

thats what body dysmorphic disorder is... a delusion.

i never really knew completely that what i saw was wrong. i did know it, i guess, but i had no idea to what extent. i thought that what i saw was real, and the only difference was that other people liked it, and i didn't. i thought the only way to cure myself was to accept what i saw. but i couldn't. i didn't like it, and i couldn't.

well, i am seeing different things in the mirror now.

it still changes. day to day is always different. i still struggle with it. i have to force my brain to see myself right sometimes. i'll look in the mirror, see myself wrong, decide that i want to see myself better, look back, and see it better.

the first time i saw myself in a mirror..... CORRECT..... it was the hugest shock i think i've ever experienced in my life. it was unreal. i was like, "thats me??????" and i had to ask a friend i was with if she saw herself the same in that particular mirror. it was at a concert, in a public bathroom. she said if anything, the mirror made her look wider to herself. i was in shock. it still shocks me every single time i see myself correctly. i can't get over it. its absolutely unreal.

i thank god for the stupid situation i was put in... that made me get close to my best friend. i am 100% positive that if that hadn't happened, or if we hadn't gotten as close as we did, i wouldn't have snapped out of it.

i am not fully snapped out of it yet. i still have things to work on. i still see myself wrong in the mirror a lot of the time, but its no longer a majority.... by far. i see myself right almost every day now, and it keeps increasing. its amazing.

i hope someone reads this and realizes that what they see is wrong.

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[25 Jul 2006|08:40pm]
[ mood | fat ]

i need to get unfat. i'm disgusting.

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[22 Jul 2006|04:07pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

the hopelessness of certain situations always makes me want to hurt myself.

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yep, again. [14 Jul 2006|02:44pm]
[ mood | yeah ]

i made myself throw up again. got more up than last time. though... i feel like i let rick down... even though i probably wont tell him. it was easier this time. still didn't get all of it up, but i think a good portion. hopefully a couple hundred calories worth. i need to just stop eating food i end up regretting. i didn't do very good eating-wise yesterday either. yuck. i want to stop being fat.

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fat [08 Jul 2006|01:54pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i hate my back fat. it bothers me a whole lot. yesterday i seriously contemplated making myself throw up, but i didn't, cuz i was at work and even though you can't really hear anything from the womens bathroom, i just didn't know how long it would take me. because it takes a whole lot of tries, usually. unfortunately, thats the only reason that kept me from it. it should be that i know thats bad.

and rick is the person i talk to now, but whenever i mention not liking myself... its the same thing. i mean, what do i expect of people? why do i want to talk about it at all? nothing changes how i feel about myself. thats why i have this journal.

oh, speaking of which... there is a couple good things recently... and why i'm putting it in this journal instead of my other livejournal is beyond me...

but two different friends of mine, one from work, and one of my old friends from high school, came to me because they want to use me for photography. but why am i not putting that in my other journal? because it could be seen as me looking for attention. fuck that. i know i shouldn't worry about what other people think... but thats not something i want people thinking of me.

oh yeah, and if i wanted attention i would have mentioned that my grandmother has breast cancer, that my great aunt died, and that i got offered to be a sub for the dixieland band at work.

yep, i keep all that to myself. cept i did tell rick most of that... except for the photography thing.

my friend henry wants to photograph me in a graveyard. that would be absolutely kickass. so basically, i have a couple photoshoots coming up. haha, thats great. i need to lose weight though. yuck. i'm fat.

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hmm [22 Jun 2006|11:49am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so if im not going to cut, starve, or purge.... what can i do to have a mischievous secret again?

i need to think about this.

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thoughts [21 Jun 2006|06:48pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so i was talking online to one of my friends about this... about this whole situation of giving up a secret of mine to my boyfriend. (of course, without telling this person what the secret was in the first place) and i was going through it wondering if it had been a mistake. the person convinced me that it wasn't a mistake, that regardless of the outcome its better to be honest than not. that whatever the problem is, its better that he know it now rather than in 6 months or 6 years. i made the point, then, about how this problem might not be there in 6 months or 6 years just because of the fact that its on and off. and that if it weren't there in 6 months or 6 years, this might have been a mistake. then he made the point that if this is a cycle like i say it is, than it might come up again in 6 months or 6 years, in which case its better anyways. and that was a good point. because my friend greg has been dealing with me and this problem for the last 6 years.

but its never gotten to the point of an actual "problem." i've never actually gotten so far as to become the definition of... anorexic or bulimic. i've had tendancies. i've stopped eating for periods of time. i've tried on quite a few occasions over the years to make myself throw up... the only successful one being this last time. i think the first time i tried that.... was while i was still in kittery, so.... 7th grade? 8th grade? i remember it, too... there was an N*Sync concert on tv....

so anyways, then i started thinking to myself outloud to him, [the friend i was talking to last night.] and i went through a few things. the reason it never becomes a problem is because this incapacity for keeping my own secrets. its almost like my mind knows exactly what to do in order for something to not become a problem. i think as soon as i started going down this path again, my subconcious knew that i needed to tell someone. things can go too far when i dont talk about things. and deep down, i know that. or my subconscious knows that, if you will. i'm just keeping myself in check i think. my desire may be a little extreme, that doesn't mean my actions have to be.

i can lose the weight and get down to my goals without going extreme. and i think it took me telling people for that to actually kick into my thoughts. well i told my boyfriend and then after i did, i told my friend greg about having told my boyfriend something and it took a bit for him to get it out of me but he did. and talked some sense into me.

in a nice way, not the way my friends attempted to talk to me when they found this very journal a couple years ago.

and in anycase, i need to seriously even let go of the rotation diet idea. because the first 3 days are so damned difficult to do, and then when i can't do it i feel like a failure, and then i just yo-yo over and over again because i can't do it. i need to not do that. its not all or nothing. i should just stick to 1000 calories a day. or just stick to being smart.

like today. i had a 100 calorie pack of wheat thins for breakfast cuz i had to grab something as i went out the door this morning. i had packed a 100 calorie pack of oreos in my lunch, but couldn't wait for lunch to eat them, so i had them as a snack after the first or second show. i had my asian salad for lunch, with the newman's own low-fat sesame ginger dressing that has 35 calories per serving, with honey-sesame almonds, asian crunchy noodles, and mandarin oranges on top. it was yummmy. and then i got home, had a few squares of bread that my mom had cut up with some olive oil, a very small piece of chicken that she'd made for dinner, and then a banana's foster pudding desert thingy.

so though i didn't count my calories for dinner, i was still smart. i didn't totally restrict myself, but i certainly didn't eat until i was full.

i just have to do that. its not so bad when i do it like that. i can manage that. (that is, when i dont have cravings. see, i can ignore hunger, even, but i can NOT control myself when i'm craving. and thats my problem.) but i haven't been craving lately, so its been okay. but like, the second or third day of dieting is when the cravings kick in. and then i lose it. thats how it always goes. lets see if we can keep that from happening this time around. maybe i should just make really sure that i eat very very balanced meals. maybe that'll keep the cravings away.

anyways, this is getting long-winded. i think i'm done.

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[20 Jun 2006|11:38pm]
i knew i should have kept it secret.
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fuck it. [20 Jun 2006|11:53am]
[ mood | determined ]

rotation diet: today.

starting with a salad, cuz i woke up past breakfast (thats what i love about waking up later, i can just skip breakfast and only have 2 meals.)

well, i was just reading some communities that i had joined on this journal a long time ago. and, well, thats what always gets me motivated... regardless of the fact that sometimes it makes me go extreme. but the rotation diet isn't extreme. ok, well some people think its a little extreme, but it works. its just getting through the first 3 days. then i'll be in the clear.

so what i'll do when i go to work... is make myself an egg salad sandwhich on the special low calorie bread with the special low calorie mayonaise so that would make that... 180 calories, which works out well. then i could bring a 100 calorie-pack or a rice cake or two.

plus, eating less food will save me money. and thats something i need to do very very badly right now.

i will reach my goals.

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grr at myself? [19 Jun 2006|07:42pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

yeah, that has a question mark.

so i gave someone this journal. because though having certain secrets i have are kinda like a rush, and i feel giddy and misheivous about them sometimes... the fact that i have secrets from my boyfriend bothers me greatly. greatly, greatly.

so now the question is... does he/will he check this? i'm pretty sure he checks my other one. on how regular of a basis i have no idea. he doesn't leave comments. i know one day he goes, "what, no entry today?" so at least at that point he'd been checking regularly? maybe?

and the question raised by that will be, will i now censor myself? i already censor myself... WITH myself. i hate it. i can't just let myself think what i think. if actions come of my thoughts, i'll write it down. such as the... making myself throw up. and urges, i'll talk about urges. but not the thoughts in the depths of those urges. like, i'm not allowed. not even to myself. you know, if i'd kept log of a lot of my thoughts.... okay, you know what? nevermind, i'm totally not opening up that can of worms.

so what is it i'm going to do now? i can't imagine trying to censor my urges that i actually get myself to talk about on this journal. and didn't i give it to him for the purpose of getting rid of the secrets?

but i want my fucking secrets, god damnit!

so i guess that answers the title question. yes.

it dawned on me... i think it was today. i keep myself aware of myself at almost all times. like when doing colorguard in the parade at 4:00 everyday at work (when working the AM shift) i am ALWAYS aware of where i'm standing, how the formation is, etc. i always credited that to having done marching band all 4 years of high school. but not only that... there are lots of other things i keep myself aware of at nearly all times. i am aware of myself at all times. sometimes i become hyper-aware, almost. like if i'm sitting in a chair i'll become aware of the sensation of my butt on the chair, and then i have to figit because then it bothers me and i become irritated of the feeling. or i become aware of my watch or my bracelets and i'll have to figit with those. for no particular reason. or maybe everyone does this and i just dont know it. but sometimes when i do that it almost becomes painful. maybe because i will it so. someone told me i was weird for liking to press on my bruises when/if i have them. i dont get bruises very often, but if its not a horrible, major one... which they're usually not because i dont bruise easily at ALLLLL... i like to press on them because i like the feeling. is that weird? someone said that it was once. but i thought perhaps other people did it too. i dunno. maybe they're weird.

in anycase! i totally strayed from my point. if i'm so aware of everything, why is the only thing that i lose track of... is what i eat?!?!?! wtf. like sometimes i just dont think. i'll forget that i'm trying to diet. though, during times i've stopped eating i stayed aware.

its easier to not eat at all than it is to stop eating once you've started.

i've contemplated stopping eating again. a whole lot of times. but we all know what happened last time. i was at a good, solid 119, stopped eating, got myself down to a decent weight, and then i started eating again. and rebounded back to 128, at which time my set-point was raised from 117-120 to 128-135 (yeah, its a bigger gap between the lowest and highest now just because of the fact that i rebounded back to 128, but eventually settled at 133-135 which is where i'm at now..... i think.) though when i was over elissa's house a week or two ago i weighed myself and it definitly said 140. if thats the case... if i find the scale thats in my house somewhere and thats what it says... i'll probably panic-diet. i hate panic-dieting just because... well, its miserable. its no different, really, than actually trying to diet, its just the mindset. thats what it was when i stopped eating when i gained back all the weight i'd lost from the Ed situation.


Greg made a really really good and valid point to me the other day... friday night? yeah, friday night. He said that it seems like i'm doing, or trying something to lose weight at almost all times. I have the wearwithall to do it. I'll either be trying to diet or exercising or keeping up with taking diet pills or even the more extreme things; stopping eating, making myself throw up, etc. If i would just choose something at stick to it, i wouldn't have to keep flip-flopping and going to extremes because i do have the energy and mind and will-power to do it.

its just when i dont see results i stop or slip or cheat or eventually go to extremes. its easier to go to an extreme than to stay on the middle-road.

i dont mind the idea of... purging. i suppose thats a better word than... throwing up. but its just that... purging makes it sound.... so much like... an eating disorder.

really, i'm trying to kid myself.

anyways, i dont mind the idea of purging. its just that it was really kind of difficult and tears were streaming down my face and it took a whole lot of tries. and then i was interupted by a phone call. i only took the phone call because i thought it would be fun to challenge myself not to let anything show in my voice. i was pretty mistaken, and when i said something i had to make as if i was clearing my throat because it did sound like something was up with my voice. cuz it was shaky as all hell. but then after i got off the phone i just didn't have the energy to try to get back the momentum and so i stopped.

but like, yeah, i know the risks. not like i haven't been educated, and not like i haven't read enough about it online. but its not a problem yet. i usually dont let these things turn into problems. i've only not eaten for a week at a time.

yeah, julie, justify yourself. whatever.

but in all honesty... i've kind of started trying to prepare my mind to be able to lose weight the right way. i bought all the ingredients to make the wendy's asian chicken salad (minus the chicken just because if i'm making a salad, i usually dont like having to prepare something like chicken first.) and i've been working my mind up to the idea of exercising. like i keep meaning to but then work gets in the way. plus lately its been ridiculously hot. so yeah. i need to start actually trying to do this. i must attain my fucking goal.

113. 113 is my goal. okay, if i get into the one-teens i'll be happy. any one-teen. i know 113 is low for my body given the amount of muscle and... boobs... that i have.

yeah. thats about it. gotta go.

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appetite, binging, purging... [13 Jun 2006|10:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

so my appetite lately has been ridiculous. like i'll eat and i'll get full but i still wont feel satisfied. most of the time its because i feel like i need something with meat in it. and then usually that leads me to go to taco bell or something. its pretty ridiculous. lately i can't eat and end up feeling satisfied. its awful.

so yesterday i pretty well binged. i ate a bunch of pop tarts, didn't feel satisfied, ate a balance bar because it had protein, still didn't feel satisfied, went and got taco bell... got a crunchwrap and a chalupa... ate those... and was absolutely disgusted.

and i realized just recently...

well, okay, i've never been one to make myself throw up because i've always been far too afraid of someone hearing me. so. i realized that all i have to do... is take a drive someplace, bring a plastic bag, and make myself throw up in my car.

so thats what i did yesterday. i didn't get up as much as i wanted to. i think i got up most of the taco bell but none of the balance bar or pop tarts.

its kind of fun having a secret.

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hmmm [05 Jun 2006|10:02pm]
[ mood | mischievous ]

its kind of amazing to me. i mentioned in the last entry about how my friend said he'd yell at me if i got anywhere near 113. and i think to myself, "when people start saying i look unhealthy is when i start thinking i might be almost thin enough." i didn't say that, and i probably wont, but its kind of funny that none of these really close friends i have..... know this side of me.


i dunno.

i like it though... its like this little rebellion. this secret i'm keeping from them like a kid whose having fun disobeying their parents. mischeif. its fun. it feels giddy and spiteful. like, "ha. so there."

the thought that someone will be mad or worried if i get to a certain weight..... makes me want to do it so muchhhhhh. so i will. starting tomorrow: DIET.

i'll have oatmeal for breakfast. i'll get an energy drink. i'll have something light for lunch. dunno what else. i am going to make myself skinnnnny. gotta download Shut Up by the Black Eyed Peas, because I listened to that a couple years ago when i was successful in making myself not eat. it became my trigger song. hopefully it'll trigger it again and not wear itself out for its purpose.


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mmmmmmm thinnnn [05 Jun 2006|04:43pm]
[ mood | determined ]

things with boyfriend getting better. we had one issue about him lying about some HUGGGGGE stuff, and, what it is, what these lies are, are him running from his past. so for the moment i'm letting it go so that he can cross that bridge on his own time. so, the other day he came online and asked me if we were going to be alright, and i said yes, and he told me that he'd thrown up the other day because the situation made him so upset.

that says a whole lot. we've only been going out for like a month, and already a potential problem has made him throw up. he must like me a whooooooooole lot. and i like that.

in anycase, so i was talking in my other livejournal about how i want to lose weight again, and how i'd like my goal to be 113, and another friend of mine said he'd yell at me if i got anywhere near 113. and that i'd look unhealthy.

whats funny about that, is that its more motivation for me to do so. for some reason i love it when i get so skinny that people worry about me. not that i like people worrying about me, its just an indicator of how skinny i am, since i can usually not tell how thin i've gotten when that happens.

soooooooooo 113 it is!!! that is my goal! i will attain it this summer, i will. ha.

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i want to cuttttttt [30 May 2006|12:08am]
im really anxious. and i want to cut. badly.

i keep holding things in. and i need to not do that.

i'm absolutely frightened of things in life. relationship stuff is scary. and i hate the seeds of doubt other people have put in my trust. i want to cut.
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im back.... for now [25 May 2006|01:03am]
[ mood | crappy ]

so i just got into a new relationship.

and i've been falling for him. like really falling.

but he has a kid, and because of that, our plans often fall through. the mother took off, so he lives with his parents and they help him take care of the kid cuz he goes to school. thats where i met him.

but this relationship has only been going on for a few weeks, and i already lost track of how many times our plans have gotten cancelled. but its more the fact that he doesn't think before telling me he'll hang out with me... like he'll go, "yeah i'm free wednesday." but really, we wouldn't start hanging out until 8 anyways. SO WHY DONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME THAT??? If you say you are free for a day... that means that you are free for that day. its okay not be... JUST TELL ME.

and i'm so afraid of falling in love. i'm so afraid of falling, and being dropped. im afraid of letting myself go, to like him... or love him... as much as i do... because the one time i fell in love in the past... i was dropped. the more i loved him, and the more i depended on him, the farther away he got and then he just dropped me. I DONT WANT TO BE DROPPED.

i dont want to fall as hard as i know i'm falling right now.

he cancelled on me tonight, second night in a row... monday having been the first time i'd gotten to see him in a week... but tonight it wasn't because of his son, it was because we usually end up staying out too late, and he has to work tomorrow. he could have just been like, "can we make it an earlier night?" or better yet... he could have HUNG OUT WITH ME EARLIER, so that it wouldn't feel so time-cramped when it was time for him to leave. the only reason it goes so late when we hang out is because it starts late.

and i needed to tell him how i feel about this whole cancelling thing. but i went to the movies with other friends, and by the time i got home at quarter to twelve, he'd already gotten offline.

and then i'm just stuck here. awake, sad, disappointed, angry, and with feeling reminiscent to when i was dropped. and i can't make the feelings go away. and i have no one to talk to. and i need to get it out, but i can't.

and the fact that these feelings feel so hopeless to get rid of, it makes me want to cut. i want to cut so badly. soooo fucking badly. i want to cut. i want to bleed.

and i only just realized a little while ago, that its the fact that i feel like i can't get rid of these feelings. like, the situation and the amount of badness doesn't matter, its the fact that i feel like i can't get rid of the feelings that makes me want to cut.

but i dont want to justify it to myself cuz this is dumb. cutting over this is dumb. ITS DUMB. im so stupid. why do i want to cut over this? its not cut-worthy.

then i just justify it to myself by telling myself i'm an addict. an addict is always an addict. a recovering addict is always recovering. cutting is an addiction. but at some point or another he'll see my body. i dont want him to see new cuts. so will i cut, or wont i cut?

i want to so bad. so so bad.

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