yeah, that has a question mark.
so i gave someone this journal. because though having certain secrets i have are kinda like a rush, and i feel giddy and misheivous about them sometimes... the fact that i have secrets from my boyfriend bothers me greatly. greatly, greatly.
so now the question is... does he/will he check this? i'm pretty sure he checks my other one. on how regular of a basis i have no idea. he doesn't leave comments. i know one day he goes, "what, no entry today?" so at least at that point he'd been checking regularly? maybe?
and the question raised by that will be, will i now censor myself? i already censor myself... WITH myself. i hate it. i can't just let myself think what i think. if actions come of my thoughts, i'll write it down. such as the... making myself throw up. and urges, i'll talk about urges. but not the thoughts in the depths of those urges. like, i'm not allowed. not even to myself. you know, if i'd kept log of a lot of my thoughts.... okay, you know what? nevermind, i'm totally not opening up that can of worms.
so what is it i'm going to do now? i can't imagine trying to censor my urges that i actually get myself to talk about on this journal. and didn't i give it to him for the purpose of getting rid of the secrets?
but i want my fucking secrets, god damnit!
so i guess that answers the title question. yes.
it dawned on me... i think it was today. i keep myself aware of myself at almost all times. like when doing colorguard in the parade at 4:00 everyday at work (when working the AM shift) i am ALWAYS aware of where i'm standing, how the formation is, etc. i always credited that to having done marching band all 4 years of high school. but not only that... there are lots of other things i keep myself aware of at nearly all times. i am aware of myself at all times. sometimes i become hyper-aware, almost. like if i'm sitting in a chair i'll become aware of the sensation of my butt on the chair, and then i have to figit because then it bothers me and i become irritated of the feeling. or i become aware of my watch or my bracelets and i'll have to figit with those. for no particular reason. or maybe everyone does this and i just dont know it. but sometimes when i do that it almost becomes painful. maybe because i will it so. someone told me i was weird for liking to press on my bruises when/if i have them. i dont get bruises very often, but if its not a horrible, major one... which they're usually not because i dont bruise easily at ALLLLL... i like to press on them because i like the feeling. is that weird? someone said that it was once. but i thought perhaps other people did it too. i dunno. maybe they're weird.
in anycase! i totally strayed from my point. if i'm so aware of everything, why is the only thing that i lose track of... is what i eat?!?!?! wtf. like sometimes i just dont think. i'll forget that i'm trying to diet. though, during times i've stopped eating i stayed aware.
its easier to not eat at all than it is to stop eating once you've started.
i've contemplated stopping eating again. a whole lot of times. but we all know what happened last time. i was at a good, solid 119, stopped eating, got myself down to a decent weight, and then i started eating again. and rebounded back to 128, at which time my set-point was raised from 117-120 to 128-135 (yeah, its a bigger gap between the lowest and highest now just because of the fact that i rebounded back to 128, but eventually settled at 133-135 which is where i'm at now..... i think.) though when i was over elissa's house a week or two ago i weighed myself and it definitly said 140. if thats the case... if i find the scale thats in my house somewhere and thats what it says... i'll probably panic-diet. i hate panic-dieting just because... well, its miserable. its no different, really, than actually trying to diet, its just the mindset. thats what it was when i stopped eating when i gained back all the weight i'd lost from the Ed situation.
Greg made a really really good and valid point to me the other day... friday night? yeah, friday night. He said that it seems like i'm doing, or trying something to lose weight at almost all times. I have the wearwithall to do it. I'll either be trying to diet or exercising or keeping up with taking diet pills or even the more extreme things; stopping eating, making myself throw up, etc. If i would just choose something at stick to it, i wouldn't have to keep flip-flopping and going to extremes because i do have the energy and mind and will-power to do it.
its just when i dont see results i stop or slip or cheat or eventually go to extremes. its easier to go to an extreme than to stay on the middle-road.
i dont mind the idea of... purging. i suppose thats a better word than... throwing up. but its just that... purging makes it sound.... so much like... an eating disorder.
really, i'm trying to kid myself.
anyways, i dont mind the idea of purging. its just that it was really kind of difficult and tears were streaming down my face and it took a whole lot of tries. and then i was interupted by a phone call. i only took the phone call because i thought it would be fun to challenge myself not to let anything show in my voice. i was pretty mistaken, and when i said something i had to make as if i was clearing my throat because it did sound like something was up with my voice. cuz it was shaky as all hell. but then after i got off the phone i just didn't have the energy to try to get back the momentum and so i stopped.
but like, yeah, i know the risks. not like i haven't been educated, and not like i haven't read enough about it online. but its not a problem yet. i usually dont let these things turn into problems. i've only not eaten for a week at a time.
yeah, julie, justify yourself. whatever.
but in all honesty... i've kind of started trying to prepare my mind to be able to lose weight the right way. i bought all the ingredients to make the wendy's asian chicken salad (minus the chicken just because if i'm making a salad, i usually dont like having to prepare something like chicken first.) and i've been working my mind up to the idea of exercising. like i keep meaning to but then work gets in the way. plus lately its been ridiculously hot. so yeah. i need to start actually trying to do this. i must attain my fucking goal.
113. 113 is my goal. okay, if i get into the one-teens i'll be happy. any one-teen. i know 113 is low for my body given the amount of muscle and... boobs... that i have.
yeah. thats about it. gotta go.